Forgive me, dear readers. I have completely and utterly neglected you. I didn’t post last Thursday. I was happily celebrating my grandmother’s longevity, (she’s 80!) and I could not push myself away from the cake served fast enough to write a blog post. So, here is two in one day.
Every writer (and hoarder) is inclined to keep their old writings. Stacks upon stacks of failed start-ups or inspired scribbles that went nowhere fill and pad my room. Prompted by a conversation with my co-workers, I decided to go deep-sea junk diving and find my old stories. And promptly laugh at them. Unfortunately (or rather fortunately) much of my earlier writings have been lost. This happened when we updated our computer from an archaic model to a mediocre one. I didn’t think to save them from their fate.
And to build upon that, I was never really a novelist when I was younger. I read many, many books during my childhood, but I figured I would leave the beautiful story-telling to the professionals. So, I came up with a lot of ideas and a lot of poems. What follows are a few of those ideas (with snarky commentary) and even an attempt at a fuller novel? story? Er…let’s call it an excerpt in the next part. Let’s giggle together, shall we?
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PASSAGES ARE TERRIBLE. AND REPRODUCED VERBATIM FROM MY OLD JOURNALS. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
STORY IDEA #784: A girl dies with her braces still on. Now she must find someone who will take them off and discover who killed her.
23-YEAR-OLD COMMENTARY: An orthodontic mystery! How clever, younger Bailey. The absolute horror that someone might die with their braces still on will give you insight into how much I hated my own. The best part of this little premise is that not only does this young heroine need to undergo another orthodontic appointment in death, but she has to avenge herself! I would say grab your popcorn because this ending is going to be a doozy, but my dentist says the kernels will get stuck in my teeth…
STORY IDEA #785: A normal girl lives with her parents. A mutant becomes a foreign exchange student, who is trying to find out more about the human race.
-Lives on a star.
-Doesn’t know much English.
-Can’t control her power.
-What’s her power? Starbolts???
23-YEAR-OLD COMMENTARY: I wonder if I was watching a lot of the Disney channel at this time to come up with this plot? And, is she a regular mutant? Like X-Men? Such freshly baked ideas, frosted with originality!
And finally, an attempt at a poem:
The Apple of my Eye
You’re my favorite
You’re the one
You’re my happiness
My sweet honeybun
You are the one I run to
My flower in the snow
You’re different from the rest
Like a big sore toe
You’re my ray of sunshine
You light the way near and far
But one thing really troubles me
I want to know just who you are!
23-YEAR-OLD COMMENTARY: Wouldn’t you love to be my boyfriend? Just when you thought it was really sweet of me to write a poem for you, I call you a big sore toe. That is romance, gentlemen. Soak it up.
The point of this is to remind you to laugh at yourself, and to not take yourself too seriously! If you need something to laugh at, just scroll up. We all have to start somewhere, right? (write?)