Adorn Your Own Heart

I don’t think anyone wants to be disagreeable.

I don’t think a person’s feet hit the floor when they roll out of bed, and they think to themselves, Hmmm,  I’m going to act like I ate a full serving of b*tch flakes today, and then I’m going to act like someone peed in them. Specifically, I’m going to cut in line at my local Starbucks and then ask for really specific things in my latte. Like, for it to be hand-stirred. 

But then again, I don’t think people want to be too agreeable, either. You don’t want to be a sheep or a lemming. You want to be cordial, but not naive.

Then, there’s me. I will walk into traffic to avoid an argument. I do everything I can to make someone feel comfortable around me and to make them like me, even when they’ve already decided what they will about me. This has pretty much always been my reality, but recently, it has gotten a lot worse.

I find myself nodding when someone says they like something, on instinct. Almost anything. Even if I’ve never heard of it. And I have to stop myself and think, Wait, I don’t listen to Elvis cover bands. Why did I just say that peanut butter, banana, and bacon is my favorite sandwich? All in the name of amiableness. I am the Miss Congeniality.

And it’s not that I am trying to be disingenuous. I’m just trying to be nice…aren’t I? I’m trying to make the other person feel safe in my company. The problem is that I just start hanging up posters of things I don’t entirely like inside my heart. I pump blood through my veins that is driven by someone else’s passion. I create shrines inside myself to activities like pilates and white water rafting because not only can I somehow connect with the people I know on these newfound interests, but I can be intriguing to the people I’m still waiting to meet.

But the truth is, (I’ve come to realize) if you don’t adorn your own heart with the things that YOU love, you might lose yourself (and maybe that friend) completely.  Like your life, your heart is only what you make of it and how much love is inside.

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