Missing your Calling Twice

In my baby book are the observations of my preschool teacher that have haunted me for the last decades: “Bailey is such an actress! She loves to play pretend and dress up!” And I did. And I still do. I love to perform and act. I love to put on a show, even though I hate to sing. I love telling jokes, dancing, or reenacting full movies. (Ask my roommates about that last one). I still even love dressing up for Halloween and Comic con.

And so, I can’t help but wonder if I missed my calling at such an early age. Perhaps I should have went to acting school and made my way to Hollywood by tirelessly waitressing at kitchenettes and dying my hair blond in my apartment’s bathroom. Maybe I should have been a news anchor or a sketch comedy actress. Maybe I should have starred on a Netflix sitcom. Maybe I should have been in more plays at my school, but again, I hated to sing and all we did was musicals.

But that certainly didn’t mean I hated the spotlight. One day, I simply got pulled in a different direction and had to abandon this passion. Some say I grew up, others say I was just interested in other things.

And now, I’m a writer. And I’ve always been a writer; maybe as long as I’ve been an actress. And yet, I feel that slipping away too. I can barely post on this blog everyday, let alone pursue a novel or any of my poetry.

But I had a sobering and completely freeing thought the other day: I survived losing acting as a predominant part of my life. (It still shows up, just not in the way I would expect.) And if writing starts to do the same thing, then I’m prepared for that too. I’ve missed one calling for my life, who is to say I won’t miss more and get more too? I’m an actress and a writer, but I don’t need to be either everyday to be them any day. I just need to love what I do and remember my roots when I need them. And then I can grow new ones.

It’s nice to follow your passion to the ends of the earth. But you shouldn’t jump off the edge for it if you can’t seem to pursue it right now. It’ll wander back into your life on a meandering path, and greet you as an old friend. Perhaps shyly at first, but you’ll warm up. And when you do, you’ll remember why you loved it in the first place.

How Do People Run Out of Gas?

The sight of brake lights is infuriating whether you are heading home or leaving it.

This was certainly the case when I took a right to jump on the fast-track this evening and saw that one lane was completely blocked. People were performing the typical shenanigans of driving as far as they could, where the lane was still open, and then quickly flicking on their indicator and pulling in front of the people who were already in the second lane. And, as usual, we all slowed down to have a look at what was causing the blockage. Would it be a grisly accident? A traffic violation?

None of the above, in fact. I saw a woman standing nervously next to her car, chewing her nails, while a man in a dark coat poured gas into her tank, her hazard lights blinking to a steady rhythm.

Okay, no problem. Just swerve around the scene and continue forward, I thought. 

Except, it got me thinking: who actually runs out of gas and has to stop in the middle of a busy intersection?

I mean, you have a dashboard meter and lights that warn you when you are low. And then lights and sounds to alert you when you are dangerously low. And it is not like we were in a rural area. My bet was this person had plenty of times to stop and get gas, passed at least a dozen gas stations. But that’s what she did: passed them by, only to land in the middle of a lane, choking rush hour traffic.

So, I ask again: who actually runs out of gas and has to stop in the middle of a busy intersection?

Well, anyone who didn’t know they were losing their job. Anyone who didn’t know their significant other was cheating on them. Anyone who didn’t know how out of shape they were until they joined a gym. So, this is to say: everyone. Everyone can run out of gas and stop in the middle of a busy intersection only to be helped by a complete stranger.

Why? Because people are terrible at reading the signs. We’ve completely turned off our instincts now that we don’t have to hunt for our own food. We rely on ignorance and are blissful.

But they are there. There are still signals that can help us to realize what is happening before it is right in front of us. In fact, some of these signs are so loud and annoying that they are like an empty gas tank alert. Yet, we keep going, keep driving. Hoping that we can make it before our time runs out.

The truth is we are never completely blindsided in this life. Whether we decide that we will deny the obvious or that we are truly oblivious, we miss the signs.

Oprah has this great quote that says essentially, “life will whisper to you. And if you don’t pay attention it, it gets louder until it’s like getting hit in the head. Then, if you don’t pay attention to that, you get smacked with a brick. And then, when you really aren’t getting it, an entire brick wall falls down.” And if you haven’t realized what life is trying to do before the brick wall, then you are going to have a hard time. Of course, it would be really great if our entire lives had dashboards like cars, where the lights would brighten when there was a problem or to tell us that we were low on something.

But we don’t have that. We only have our hearts, which are terrific compasses, when we allow them to be. Yet, it does not matter how good a sign, a piece of advice, or a set of directions is: it only matters how well we listen to it.