This week, instead of posting new things I want to stay silent and instead allow other POC voices to come through. This is a particularly moving piece about one woman’s journey with her hair. I loved this post and I hope you do too.
Let me just say, this is the longest amount of time I have ever spent on a blog post. It is a wide open door into a hidden part of me that I never …
A Love Letter to My Hair
I don’t know how you’re feeling. I don’t know who needs to hear this. And I don’t know how to make things right.
But if you, like me, are at a loss today: of understanding, of confidence, of words. Then I will speak for you:
You are enough.
You are not alone.
It’s okay to be scared of the future.
It’s okay to be angry and upset.
It’s okay to emote and not hide.
It’s okay not to feel anything at all.
Like I said, I don’t know what you’re feeling at this time. But I’m here to tell anyone, that feeling everything at once is okay. You’ve got a lot going on, and your plate is full. We have a lot going on, and our plate is full. So, drink deeply of your emotions and take one mouthful at a time.
There’s a lot to be said about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. In learning more about them by seeing life from their perspective.
But there’s something else to be said about viewing life from your own perspective.
You would do good to remember that what you think is just as valuable as what someone else thinks (am I the only one that needs this reminder?)
And by that principle, you should think the world of yourself. Have confidence. Because no one is just like you and no one has your exact perspective. We all bring something different to the table, even if we don’t always feel like it.
So, don’t be afraid to be fully in your skin, and to see life from your own unique perspective. You are who you think you are, not who you’d rather be. And from my perspective, you’re all pretty great.
I’m about to let you in on a little secret of mine (which I most likely have talked about before).
When I was younger, I believed in one certain truth that served me pretty well and was reinforced by all of the fairy tales I read:
“Good things will happen, and so will bad. Bad things will happen, and so will good. If you wait long enough, you’ll get them both, one after the other. So much so, you can depend on it.” So one good thing will happen…and then it is followed by a bad thing. And a bad thing will happen…and it is followed by a good thing. And so on and so on and so on. Until you live your entire life, waiting for the fog to roll in on a sunshiney day, and for the rain to clear on a stormy day. You’re always waiting for the next thing or hoping it doesn’t happen.
But I’ve realized that this is such an unrealistic way to live. It doesn’t matter if one moment is good or bad. It’s the moment that you’re living in, that you’re experiencing, that you’re discovering. And waiting for it to pass or having sadness when it does, is no way to live life. Just passing through your day is no way to live life. You need to thrive, and treasure every moment – not just the really good ones – and not cast away any one moment – like the really bad ones.
So, it’s true what they say – “if you’re going through hell, keep going.” But don’t worry about the hellscape you’re traveling through or coming from. Try to focus on the warmth of the flames every once in awhile. Your life will be better for it.
We’ve all been told no before. And undoubtedly, we’ve been told not to take no for an answer (right after).
But what kind of psychopath knocks on the door that slams in your face, five seconds later? Isn’t insanity defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the different results?
I get it, now in my old age, more than ever. If you want something done or want something at all, you have to be persistent. You have to keep going, and following up, and reminding, and asking, and checking boxes. And that can be really hard when you’re a timid shy woman who would rather die from starvation than place an order for food on the phone.
But it’s worth it. I promise. You should learn how to persist. It’s the hardest thing you may learn, but it’s the only way to keep going in life.
So practice persistence everyday. And speak up when you can. Even if your voice shakes and you want the floor to swallow you up directly after.
If you ask a math teacher, they will most assuredly tell you that there is more than way to go about doing something. Sure, it may not be the easiest or the best way to do something, but if you get there in the end, then you should be okay. (At least, this is what I️ hoped my math teacher would say to me.)
So in that vein, stop comparing yourself to everyone around you.
Sure, another person’s way may look better or get quicker results, but at the end of the day, if you got the job done, then you’re not wrong. There’s no being wrong in life – only in math. There’s a million ways to go about doing something, and the way you see the world is unique to you.
So you’re not wrong. You may be on the wrong path or walking in the wrong direction for awhile, but what you do can’t be wrong when it comes to living your life. Mistakes can only lead you to a better place and time, even if it takes awhile to get there. But you have to let yourself be human and be able to make mistakes before you can live unwrongly.
Let me take you back in time to when you first got your learners permit to drive. Remember? How every trip was an exciting adventure? How you grabbed the keys immediately when anyone needed to run an errand? How you avoided highways and took backroads everywhere?
Sure, you were scared. What if you got in an accident? What if you confused the gas and the brake?!You would grip the steering wheel until your fingers were white.
…and dare I ask about now? You’re probably just shy of driving with your knees, eating yoghurt, and shaving your face. (Hopefully not texting!)
My point is that at one point, driving was terrifying. And now look. You’re fine. You could do it with your eyes closed if that was legal.
So stand up and take notice of all the amazing ways you’ve progressed. There are things you do everyday that once scared you half to death. Make sure you congratulate yourself. Your permitted to feel good about your accomplishments no matter how small.
We all know one (or are one).
A b**** – A woman (a word mostly used for women by women) who is loud, obnoxious, arrogant, pushy, and bossy.
But have you ever noticed that women call each other b****** when they simply don’t like what they’re doing? It seems a woman can’t ever stand up for herself, a woman cannot speak her mind, a woman cannot call out the errors of others without looking like a you know what.
Well, you know what? I’m not a Starbucks barista. I’m not here to put whip cream in your latte and a smile on your heart. I don’t have to be nice all the time. I can be respectful while still getting what I want.
I don’t have to be afraid of the b word anymore. Actually, it sort of has a nice ring to it. (Maybe I should change the old blog name to b****dailey).
At the end of the day, don’t be afraid of what people think of you. Because at the end of the day, you don’t have to spend time with anyone but yourself. After all, there’s a little b**** in all of us.
Have you ever tried to start a new habit or routine? To get healthier? Did it sound like this?
Okay, Debra, this is your last donut for awhile. You’re getting mighty pudgy and you could go for a walk every night instead of eating donuts in the middle of the afternoon. So, this is it. This is where we draw the line.
And how’d it go? Did you stick with that habit? Did you stop eating donuts? Did you go for more walks?
Probably not. Do you know why?
Because when you do something out of hate, it doesn’t work as well. If you’re trying to punish yourself by not eating donuts, you’re going to eventually rebel and give yourself a “treat.” (Which, folks, you won’t be surprised to know, is another donut.)
So, what should you do? You should start doing something out of a place of love. Like this:
Okay, Debra, you feel so much better when you don’t eat donuts in the afternoon. You’ve been looking great too so let’s keep it up. I just want you to feel good.
And I bet you won’t eat as many donuts, Debra. Because you’ll feel like you’re being kind to yourself. I promise – you’ll be so much more successful when what you do is out of love for yourself, not hate.
Treating yourself is really tempting.
After all, you do a lot of stuff during the day that needs rewarding.
I had a phone call today and my voice didn't crack!
I ordered salad instead of a donut!
I made it through the day without yelling at anyone!
And it's really nice to take yourself out to eat. Or buy yourself something. Or just run a bubble bath. Treat yourself.
But this can turn into a vicious cycle. You have to go out to eat to make up for the day you had. You have to treat yourself, because you've been good all week.
The problem stems from not taking care of yourself well. If you just took the time in small moments to take care of yourself, you wouldn't have to treat yourself in such a big way.
So treat yourself well, and you won't have to treat yourself as often.
Sometimes being kind to yourself isn't all that kind.