Every Idea is a Good Idea: Part 2

Here’s that excerpt I promised. For your added convenience, my snarky comments have been peppered throughout. You can tell them apart because they are coherent. Also, they are in parentheses. 

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Here’s part 1.

Part 6-The Mermaid (Where’s parts 1-5?)

Gwen cried at her desk, Why did it have to be this way? Why can’t “Elizabeth” or whoever just go away? Will is going to be mine. I need him… (Oh, great. Scary, jealous tendencies showing from an early age.)

Her thoughts were interrupted by Arianna and Anastasia. They had crashed through the seaweed curtain and now lay on the floor looking up at her. “GWEN! WE GOTTA GET TO CLASS!!!” Arianna shouted. (Caps lock was used in original manuscript). “Oh, right. I forgot!”exclaimed Gwenivere. She went about collecting her books and putting them into her seal skin bag. Yes, I know it’s cruel! (Please, PETA, I didn’t know what I was talking about when I was 13…I’m sure mermaids just use the skins of seals that have died of natural causes.) She stopped and looked at her friends. They were standing up now brushing themselves off. (How are they standing!? Aren’t they mermaids???) “What happened to you guys?”

They both looked down shyly. Then looked back at Gwen. “Well, I made out with a MAN!” they said in unison. (Oh, dear lord. Both of them? I guess I was advanced for my age?) Gwen gasped then smiled. She folded her arms. “What was he like?” They stopped staring at each other and said dreamily with their eyes to the ceiling, “Oh! He was wonderful!” They had done it again. They said it at the same, exact time. Gwen giggled.

Anastasia said confidently, “Mine was better.” Arianna scowled and pointed an accusatory finger at Anastasia, “You probably stole him from ME!” (As you can see, I’ve really captured the feminine psyche. At 13, I understood that women would fight about men, and that’s really the whole of it.) Anastasia was before turned to the wall, but at this last statement she turned around. “HOW DARE YOU?” 

Gwen didn’t know the time, but she knew they were late. “C’mon girls!” She pushed them out the door, still arguing, and off to class.

After swimming down Mermaid Plaza, they finally got to the Academy. Unfortunately, Anastasia and Arianna were still fighting. “ME?” Anastasia shrieked. “Yes, you! You…you…” “Girls, shut up, we’re late to class!” Gwen shouted as she reached for the shell shaped handle on the door. They folded their arms against their chest and glared daggers at each other, but fell silent. Gwen sighed as she opened the door. The hallways were eerily silent. No one was even at their shockers. Shockers are lockers made of shells, no it’s not a typo. (Sassy!) 

Bad sign. Really bad sign. “Come on!” Gwen hissed shouldering her bag and taking her friends by the hands. She dragged the girls down the hallway for their first night-class, Geography. They slipped into class and slowly turned around. “YOU’RE LATE. NOW SIT DOWN.”

“Yes, yes, Mr. Codd,” sputtered Gwen. 
“We will take our seats now, sir.” Arianna said nervously. 
“Won’t happen again!” added Anastasia.

“SEE THAT IT DOESN’T!” Mr. Codd demanded. “Now as I was saying, sirens sing all around the world…” They took their seats quickly. Gwen tried to pay attention, but drifted into a day-dream. About her and Will. She drifted from reality to dream-world throughout the class. Finally, the bell rang and they all filed to the door. Finally, Gwen thought. Her next class was singing. Her favorite. Arianna, Anastasia, and Gwenivere were considered the best in the class. They swam down the corridor shouldering people. (What?) They rounded a corner and entered the chorus room. “Mrs. Bass, how are you?” Anastasia asked sweetly. “Oh, fine dear, just fine!” Mrs. Bass was a dark-skinned mermaid with a wide girth. (What, too much sushi? What is fattening in the sea? Isn’t she swimming all the time?) She wore large necklaces and colorful shirts. Her hair was curled in taut, dark curls. Her spectacles sat curtly on her nose. “Take a seat, ladies!” called Mrs. Bass. Many more girls flowed into the room, but at once took their seats. If you wanted to be a siren you needed above all to sing so every one got down to work in chorus class. “Now let’s begin!” Mrs. Bass called tapping a shell stand with a thin piece of driftwood.

You’re still here? Well, there you have it. Check again for cringe-worthy pieces of my childhood!

Every Idea is a Good Idea: Part 1

That's me with the bow. Yup, all these great ideas issue forth from that huge noggin of mine.
That’s me with the bow. Yup, all these great ideas issue forth from that huge noggin of mine.

Forgive me, dear readers. I have completely and utterly neglected you. I didn’t post last Thursday. I was happily celebrating my grandmother’s longevity, (she’s 80!) and I could not push myself away from the cake served fast enough to write a blog post. So, here is two in one day.

Every writer (and hoarder) is inclined to keep their old writings. Stacks upon stacks of failed start-ups or inspired scribbles that went nowhere fill and pad my room. Prompted by a conversation with my co-workers, I decided to go deep-sea junk diving and find my old stories. And promptly laugh at them. Unfortunately (or rather fortunately) much of my earlier writings have been lost. This happened when we updated our computer from an archaic model to a mediocre one. I didn’t think to save them from their fate.

And to build upon that, I was never really a novelist when I was younger. I read many, many books during my childhood, but I figured I would leave the beautiful story-telling to the professionals. So, I came up with a lot of ideas and a lot of poems. What follows are a few of those ideas (with snarky commentary) and even an attempt at a fuller novel? story? Er…let’s call it an excerpt in the next part. Let’s giggle together, shall we?

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PASSAGES ARE TERRIBLE. AND REPRODUCED VERBATIM FROM MY OLD JOURNALS. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

STORY IDEA #784: A girl dies with her braces still on. Now she must find someone who will take them off and discover who killed her.

23-YEAR-OLD COMMENTARY: An orthodontic mystery! How clever, younger Bailey. The absolute horror that someone might die with their braces still on will give you insight into how much I hated my own. The best part of this little premise is that not only does this young heroine need to undergo another orthodontic appointment in death, but she has to avenge herself! I would say grab your popcorn because this ending is going to be a doozy, but my dentist says the kernels will get stuck in my teeth…

STORY IDEA #785: A normal girl lives with her parents. A mutant becomes a foreign exchange student, who is trying to find out more about the human race.

More details:
-Mutant girl.
-Lives on a star.
-Doesn’t know much English.
-Can’t control her power.
-What’s her power? Starbolts???

23-YEAR-OLD COMMENTARY: I wonder if I was watching a lot of the Disney channel at this time to come up with this plot? And, is she a regular mutant? Like X-Men? Such freshly baked ideas, frosted with originality!

And finally, an attempt at a poem:

The Apple of my Eye

You’re my favorite
You’re the one
You’re my happiness
My sweet honeybun

You are the one I run to
My flower in the snow
You’re different from the rest
Like a big sore toe

You’re my ray of sunshine
You light the way near and far
But one thing really troubles me
I want to know just who you are!

23-YEAR-OLD COMMENTARY: Wouldn’t you love to be my boyfriend? Just when you thought it was really sweet of me to write a poem for you, I call you a big sore toe. That is romance, gentlemen. Soak it up.

The point of this is to remind you to laugh at yourself, and to not take yourself too seriously! If you need something to laugh at, just scroll up. We all have to start somewhere, right? (write?)