10 Thoughts Everyone Has at the Gym

If you’re anything like me, you really have to push yourself in order to make it to the gym a few nights a week. Okay, scratch that. If you are human, you probably have to yell at yourself so that you make it to the gym a few nights a week.

And now that we have that in common, I’m sure we probably think the same thoughts when we’re there. After all, gym minds think alike. Or is it great minds?

10. Okay, I’m here. I need to make it worth my while. 

-Of course, within five minutes of me being there I am already calculating how long it will be before I can leave. Okay, these people watched me walk in 15 minutes ago. Will they judge me if they are on the same machine when I am leaving? Man, I don’t care. I’m tired.

9. Seriously. You are going to work out on the machine NEXT  to me?

-I’m all like, Helloooooo? There are about 5 open machines next to me, and you want to work out alongside me? Can’t you observe the one seat rule? You know, in the movie theater, when there’s enough seats, you leave one open between you and the person next to you? OH. Oh, now you want to race? Okay, well beat a 15 minute mile, buddy. I don’t care that you’re twice my age, eat my dust before you BECOME dust, you feel me?

8. Why are you running so fast? You’re making us all look bad.

No, but seriously. Are you some kind of superhero? There’s no reason to run that fast. I don’t even think a murderer could catch you. Wait, you’ve been running at that pace for the last three hours? What do you think you’re doing being that good? What’s your running playlist like? Did you just start at the first Harry Potter audiobook and go from there? No, but really. Teach me your ways.

7. Maybe if I watch television, I won’t notice how long I’ve been running for.

Hmmm, I have to watch something that I like, though. Let’s see, no, no, Fox news oh god no, no, no, no Real Housewives, hmm. Oh, look, Tomb Raider is on. Okay, I guess I could watch this for another mile or so. Oh wow. I don’t remember Angelina Jolie being this bad of an actress…or not wearing a bra. Who cares? She’s still gorgeous. Ugh, I will never look like her. Note to self: never let my boyfriend watch this movie alone. 

6. Wait, what is that? How do you work out on it?

Wait, is that a rope? Hanging from the ceiling? Oh, god, flashbacks to gym class, circa the nineties. And what’s that? Is that a bouncey ball? We all know where that’s going to go: under my butt as I bounce around the room! Oh, what is this other ball that’s really heavy? Oooh, I don’t like this one as much…Give me the fun one, the bouncey one.

5. Whoa, Blue Steel. Is it necessary to stare at yourself when you work out?

Look, I’m really sorry that I had to break the spell by walking between you and the mirror. But, uh, the way that you are staring at yourself is making ME uncomfortable. And I’m a third party. Take that somewhere else. Preferably, back home. You can do all the staring and working out you want there.

4. What are YOU doing here? You’re beautiful.

Sure, I know that you won’t stay that way if you don’t maintain your perfect, flawless–OH WHO CARES. You’re beautiful. You don’t need to be here. You can go home because I wish you were my body double. No one needs that kind of motivation. It hurts. And I’m not talking about the workout.

3. This is it. This is the end of my life. I’m going to die.

I … can’t…breathe. Why…did…I…set…the…incline…to…5…my…heart…is…like…a….volcano….with alka seltzer…in it.This….is…it. ….I want…everyone….to…work…out…in my honor when…I …die….no. …At my funeral! …Yes…everyone….gets…a fit bit at…my funeral……you…get a fit bit….and you…get a fit bit…

2. Maybe if I work out twice as hard, I won’t have to come tomorrow?

And maybe if I didn’t eat two cookies after every meal, I wouldn’t be here right now. Oh, well. Might as well accept my fate. Okay, let’s see. I’ll probably go home and make myself a hot chocolate, so that’s about 200 calories. But I had a salad for lunch, so that’s like, negative calories, right? So, I can get off of here in another 5 minutes. Yeah. That sounds right. I knew it would all balance out.

1. Stretch? Cool down?

Hahahhahahahaha. Nah. I’m out of here. See you tomorrow.

So, maybe you don’t have the exact thoughts I do at the gym. Actually, I hope you don’t. I think too much. But I hope you got a good laugh out of these.

Actually, I hope you laughed so hard that you worked out those abs of yours. Look! Now, you don’t even need to go to the gym at all! You’re welcome.

8 Songs You Probably Wouldn’t Put On a Workout Playlist (But Should)

I’m slowly, almost imperceptibly, renewing my efforts to get healthy and lose weight. This week I’ll be joining up at the gym and cutting out the junk food I love so dearly. I’ve had enough, and it’s obvious my body has, too. I lost my gallbladder one year ago to a horrible nutella overdose (I wish I was kidding), and there is simply something about sitting in a chair all day that makes me want to remind my legs what it feels like to move out from under me. It’ll be an incredibly painstaking progress, but it will be progress nonetheless.

However, if you’re anything like me, you’re gonna need a lot more motivation than the possibility of losing another organ (I AM kidding now). We’ve all attempted to do it on our own. We’ve bought new sneakers, a new water bottle, new workout clothes, new headphones, and we get to the gym only to spend the entire time lifting weights in front of the mirror, staring at our body and hoping the weight will melt off sweat drop by sweat drop. I’ve counted calories in my head and on my phone. I’ve danced with ladies 20 years my senior to music that is 10 years my junior in a Zumba class. I’ve been a tree, a warrior, and a child in yoga, and I have counted my breaths more times than I can count.

In the past, I may not have been consistent with my workout routines, but music has always been a motivational tool for me. The problem for me is that the only songs that truly help me keep going have repetitive beats and monotonous, empty lyrics. Isn’t there a perfect blend of captivating lyrics with an up-tempo bass line? I had to ask. But whether you’re walking or running, don’t sweat it. I’ve got you covered.

8. Float On – Modest Mouse

A combination of positive lyrics and a beat you can get into, you’ll be power-walking through the entire song before you even realize the burn in your legs.

7. Babel – Mumford and Sons

Any Mumford and Son song can help to pump you up, but the guys’ sophomore album really hits the spot. Especially their title track, Babel, which has plenty of raging banjo to keep you going.

6. Come With Me Now – Kongos

It’s a little bit slow to run to, but it’s constant beat and infectious accordion will keep you surprisingly rejuvenated.

5. Dog Days Are Over – Florence + The Machine

Another song with beautiful lyrics and an uplifting melody, Flo’s hit “Dog Days Are Over” will keep you moving and grooving. Besides, it tells you right in the lyrics to “run fast…” Don’t you love encouragement from a disembodied voice?

4. Intro – The XX

This tune is so steady and winding that you’re not really sure when it will finish, and you’re not really sure you want it to. This will keep your mind off the clock and off the pain in your legs.

3. Lazy Eye – Silversun Pickups

When the beat drops on this one, your feet will be flying. It is just continuous enough to match your footsteps but not enough to bore you. Give it a listen, and you’ll see what I mean.

2. Mountain Sound – Of Monsters and Men

Of Monsters and Men are one of those bands that are entirely underrated, especially in providing the soundtrack to your workout. Pick any song of theirs and you won’t be disappointed, but this is a favorite of mine.

1. Rag Doll – Aerosmith

Go figure, right? But the alternating drums on this track will keep your knees and heart rate high.

There you have it. Now, get up and jam out!