Tag: passion

Burn Your Life Down

Bailey GunnLeave a comment

Do you ever want to burn your life down?

Metaphorically, speaking, of course.

But really. Do you ever want to start over? Raze all of your relationships to the ground, put fire to any friendships in your life, and walk away from it all, in slow motion, as the spark finally hits the gasoline barrel and your life explodes in a swirl of flames that somehow blows your hair away from your face as you casually slip into your Porsche, like in all of the movies?

Yeah, I feel something like that too, every once in a little while.

Because wouldn’t it be easier to start over? Wouldn’t it be easier if you could just pick up and leave? Move to another country where no one knows your name or the fact that you still haven’t grown out of the footie pajamas you wore to elementary school a few times? Wouldn’t it be easier to give up on all of your responsibilities in favor of being slightly selfish, locking yourself in a hotel room and eating good food and drinking better wine?

From this side of the fence, it sure looks like it would be easier. Or maybe it just looks like the entire plot of Eat, Pray, Love. 

But for whatever reason, when I consider my distant future, I get overwhelmed by the fact that there are so many pieces to put together. And it seems like nothing fits. And even worse, it feels like my life has pieces that don’t even go to the same puzzle. What am I supposed to do? Build two puzzles? Build another path in case I change my mind?

Of course, I’m a firm believer that you can’t really “mess” up your life. To admit that a person can mess up his or her life would be to suggest that there is a correct way to live. As profound as it may be, I simply believe that whatever you choose is your choice. And you can’t be anyone but yourself, so you can’t do anything in this life that isn’t right for you. You just have to live your life.

But, why does it feel like I’m going to be disappointing people if I don’t do a specific thing? Why do I feel like I have to everything figured out, retirement plan and all, before I have even considered the next ten years? Why can’t I just burn my life down and start fresh whenever I want to?

There’s a relatively simple answer. No, you shouldn’t burn your life down. (Or anything else, for that matter…)

When I start to feel like this, I realize that it probably isn’t because I want to start over. More like, I don’t know what to do with the resources I’ve been given. Metaphorically speaking again, it’s like I have a hammer and a few nails, but instead of building a house, I just want to throw the tools on a bonfire. It’s like I don’t know how to ask anyone, my friends or family, for help.

Really, when you want to burn your life down, it’s not necessarily that you want to start new. It’s probably because you are trying something new. Remember that your greatest assets are the people that hold out a candle to you so that you can make your way in the dark, not the people who hand you the book of matches.

Do Your Job So I Can Do Mine

Bailey GunnLeave a comment

Okay, I’m going to do some math tonight.

Now, that should set off some alarm bells in your head. The size of the bells of Notre Dame, to be honest. Because I’m not a math person. Therefore, I should not be doing any math of any kind, even under pretend circumstances. But humor me. (Hope your funny bone is the size of your femur).

So, basically the world has this equation to determine if you are doing what you should be doing with your life. It’s simple: direct societal contribution + deliverable good  = your job.

Now, think about it. For example, you have an architect. What does he or she contribute to society? Places to work, eat, and sleep by building structures. What does he or she deliver? Those buildings, more opportunities for revenue, etc. That’s a one-to-one relationship, if I’m not mistaken.

Now, think about another job. A professional dancer, let’s say. (The math is going to get significantly harder, here.) What’s the societal contribution? Beautiful art. Sadly, not enough people seem to appreciate this societal contribution or consider it as such. What’s a deliverable good from a professional dancer? Well, it certainly isn’t tangible. But professional dancers create memories for their audiences. Visual interpretations of what a piece of music is “saying.” More art.

Not exactly the most straightforward equation. So, many people look at a professional dancer’s career and see this: 0 + 0 = 0. Which isn’t the correct math (even if my own math is not always sound).

Now, I have no grudges against architects. I don’t hold anything against professional dancers, either. But when professional dancers are forced to become architects because society sees value in architects but not professional dancing, then we start to have a problem.

Because this happens all of the time. Professional dancers, and other people who don’t fit into the stark equation outlined above, think that their passion cannot sustain their lifestyle. In many cases, they are right. Since society doesn’t value their contributions or deliverable goods because their careers do not benefit society as obviously as other professions (see above equation, again), they are told to pursue other things. Then, their passion is thwarted, and we get lifeless accountants who were supposed to be painters, we have frustrated attorneys who were meant to be novelists, and yes, we have jaded architects who were meant to be professional dancers. We get people who are displacing themselves to make a living, which then, in turn, displaces the people who really wanted to be accountants, attorneys, and architects.

Which brings me back to my original point. I should never, ever do math. I’ve never been good at it. Even trying to double recipes is difficult for me. I’m a writer. I like words, not numbers. Which is not to say people can’t like both. I’m just not one of those magical, incredibly talented people.

The point is, I should not be forced to find a job that is outside of my realm of expertise simply because society doesn’t think I can make a real societal contribution or deliverable good from writing.

Basically, you should do what you want to do, no matter what. Because if you can’t follow your passion, then things won’t really add up for you, no matter how (badly) you do the math.

I Wish I Had Something Different to Say

Bailey Gunn2 Comments

When I was a teenager, I had two thoughts. How am I going to hide this pimple on my face? and How am I going to hide myself?

Now that I am an adult, I also have two thoughts. What the hell am I going to do with my life? and I don’t have a life to do anything with.

You see, that first thought governs much that I do. Well, plagues me, really. I struggle against it frequently when I am trying to blog because I have an open forum to voice my opinion. If you look at past posts, you will find that I do not often win the battle. I do not often tell myself to put my own life journey aside, so I can write something pithy and engaging for a blogging public. But by most accounts, I am completely consumed with deciding on my passion, my calling, AKA what to do with the rest of my life. When I’m not writing this blog, I’m researching, calculating, and planning the next 50 years.

But it’s strange because I started out this blog post by telling you how I felt as a teenager and as an adult, but in reality, I still feel like a child. I see someone working construction, and I suddenly feel the need to put on a hard hat. I watch someone treat a patient, and I am convinced that I should be healing the sick. And yes, an astronaut may have been out of my reach as an actual kid, but I suddenly feel like the stars have never been closer than right now. So, am I ambitious or indecisive?

I don’t know. But the only thing I can say for certain is that I wish I had something different to say. I wish I had my life planned out. I wish I could say that I have the courage to pursue whatever I am “meant” to do. I wish I wasn’t worried about making the right decisions. And truly, I wish I had something different to say about my future.

The only thing, and I mean the only thing, that stops me from having meltdowns daily about all this is one simple quote whose origin is heavily debated. But let’s just say Abe Lincoln said it because, you know, it’s a good quote and he’s a good guy, so he deserves it.

“Whatever you are, be a good one.”

I feel like a cork on a champagne bottle when I read that quote. It doesn’t matter what I am. It doesn’t matter if I’m selling out. It doesn’t matter if I don’t pursue my passion. It doesn’t matter if I never “make it.” I just have to be good at what I do, whatever it is. Hopefully, it isn’t axe murdering, but you get it. I just have to give 100% to whatever it is that I am doing. And I am about 95% sure I can do just that. (Did I say I was indecisive?)

And that’s all you can hope for, too. You should give yourself a little wiggle room to be good. But you should never stop striving for it.

Life is Not a Survey

Bailey GunnLeave a comment

On a scale of 1 to 5, how likely are you to throw out this survey? If you were to rate your dissatisfaction with this survey on a scale, would 10 be enough to capture your frustration?

We’ve all been there. Checking off boxes while trying to fit your personality into those boxes. (Am I a forest person or a beach person when I’m at rest?) Being asked questions that you don’t even know yourself. (How do I feel about lunar moths?)

So, why does everyone live their life as if they were filling out a survey? Oh, passions? I only have passions that can fit in this 250 character box. No! You have more than one passion and that’s okay. Stop living your life like you need to pursue your one and only passion in life, and if you don’t you will be a failure. Anyone who has ever succeeded at something has not made their life revolve around that one thing. For instance, plenty of successful writers have had other passions. Mostly alcohol and loose women, but you get the picture.

And why does everyone hand out their life decisions in survey form? Should I do this? Will this make you upset? What do you think? Are you somewhat satisfied with our friendship? Not at all satisfied? WHO CARES. Do what it is that moves you. Do not ask for permission. Do not poll the audience. The right people will come along for the ride. And you can live without their opinion of you. I promise.

And finally, as much as your future employers would like you to believe this, your personality or aptitude cannot be ascertained through a static survey. You are a living, breathing piece of art. Just because they can identify the medium in which you painted yourself does not mean that they know you. You won’t know how well you play with others until you try.

In the end, don’t let yourself stumble on the questions of life. If you look hard enough, you will find that you had the answers the whole time.

Don’t Listen to Anyone

Bailey GunnLeave a comment

Don’t listen to anyone. Ever. Because no matter what they say, they are always going to be right because you believe them.

How so? Let’s think about this for a minute. There are people, right now, in the world, that are making money by telling other people, no, strangers, that they are or, more often, are not good at something. We actually pay and want people to pass judgment on us. I mean, Simon Cowell has millions of dollars right now because he was rude to a couple people. Well, accurately rude, rightly rude. But yes, rude. 

And you have to wonder, as he is looking up at his gold ceiling, lying on his revolving heart-shaped bed at night, does he ever feel bad about it? 

The answer is undoubtedly no. He’s mean, and he gets rich because of it. Simple equation even for a non-math major here.

But let’s imagine a quick little scenario. You’ve been singing your entire life. I mean, since the time that you could hold a microphone. You grow up, learn to play guitar, and moonlight as a solo act in a few bars in your hometown. You’ve got stars in your eyes when you finally get an opportunity to sing in front of the American Idol panel. And then some British guy with a bad haircut says that you’re rubbish and that you shouldn’t quit your day job. And that’s it. POOF. There goes any chance that you’d actually continue singing because there it is. One of the most popular talent coaches in Hollywood just told you that you can’t sing. And of course, if you do sing again, all of the pigeons in NYC will burst in a puff of feathers a la Shrek. 

Except that isn’t the conclusion you should come to at all. Simon Cowell can afford to be mean. But you? You can’t afford to give up your dream, the one you’ve had since you were a child. 

So, what are you supposed to do? Well, you shouldn’t listen to Simon Cowell, for one thing, but, then again, you should never listen to anyone. Once you hear their side of things, suddenly they’re right and you’re wrong. You can make people right just by following their advice, by assuming that they know something that you don’t. But sometimes they aren’t right. Actually, people are wrong a lot. And mostly, they aren’t right about you because, well, you’re the only person who is you. And you know you best. I know, mind blowing.

Yet, people are still told everyday that they can’t do something by someone else, and they believe them. It makes me want to add a footnote to every millionaire’s net worth explaining how many times they doubted themselves or were rejected by the “right” people (who turned out to be the wrong people because look where they are now). The amount of times they failed would outpace their fortune ten times over. I think it is so interesting that people forget and forget and forget how many times J.K. Rowling sent the HP manuscript out or how Stephen King would spear rejection letter after rejection letter on one of those short-order cook nails. Do you honestly realize how many people were told they couldn’t do something time and time again and did it anyway? If anyone was stopped from doing something simply due to the fact that it “could not be done,” we would have nothing to show for modern civilization. I sincerely want to shake really angry, loud maracas at anyone who has ever believed that you can get something right on the first try. So loud would my maracas shake that I could drown everyone’s fear of failure and that little critic’s voice in our heads.

So, in the end, don’t listen to anyone. Not even me. In the end, I should be like a car passing you with my speakers blaring bad 90’s rap. You hear my mix tape (full of Notorious B.I.G.) really clearly when I am directly in front of you, but when I start to speed on down the road, I start to fade. That is how you should perceive all advice. It’s clear and direct in the moment, but what does it sound like down the road? Maybe it doesn’t apply so far ahead in the future. 

That’s where you come in. You start to make decisions for yourself. And you don’t have your ear pressed to the highway, waiting for someone to ride along and tell you what you should do and think. All advice eventually runs out of gas. And when it does, you’ll have to pick up the slack with good, old fashioned intuition when you turn your ignition. 

How I Lost My Nerdiness (And Then Found It Again)

Bailey GunnLeave a comment

It may not surprise you that I was a total, complete and utter nerd in high school. Actually, you should know that most writers/bloggers/artists are nerds. And that isn’t a bad thing. Just because popular culture likes to portray nerds with glasses and suspenders (which I have), doesn’t mean nerds are totally uncool.

Okay, so we are uncool. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t special in our own way.

Luckily, in recent years, nerds have been championed. Some people have started to think of nerds in a new light, or as we have always seen ourselves; as deeply passionate about particular subjects. And after all, passion is what makes us all feel as if life is worth the ancillary struggles.

In high school, I reached the zenith of my nerdiness. I loved things and people with hopeless abandon. I wore my favorite television characters on my t-shirts, and I consumed countless books on the weekends. I talked primarily in movie quotes, and referenced the obscure. If people couldn’t relate to my specific interests, I didn’t mind. As long as they had their own passions to feed off of, which is how I started to hang out with many other nerds, I was okay with that.

As a result of my nerd status, I was excited to go to college. I would be pursuing my writing, while simultaneously having the opportunity to meet people who possibly shared my interests (or so the Orientation Leaders told me.)

But, there’s one problem with nerds. They are typically shy. So, I didn’t meet any right away. And with the piles of papers that I did have coupled with the piles of money that I didn’t pressing on my mind, I slipped out of my nerd suit. I pushed my passions aside, and took up concrete calculations. How many papers were due tomorrow + how much time I could sleep = productivity. How many friends I could keep + how many would allow me to continue to be myself in their presence = no social life.

Thankfully, I finally met some friends who reminded me why I originally loved the things that I loved.

Then, came senior year. I had to finish two theses in the time that most people write one. Again, my love of writing turned into a platonic relationship. One that often left me wanting something more at the end of the night, but rendered me immobile in my own bed without sleep as a passing visitor. Sadly, even after I finished my theses, I was afraid to take up writing again. I kept wondering what someone would say about my work, or who would be judging my work for its authenticity and merit. Even now, I am reluctant to write. My writing spirit had been broken, and it’s still healing. Occasionally, I’m afraid that I have lost my touch, or that I will write badly, or fail.

However, this blog has been therapy for me. It allows me to write for me, although even that concept is wrong. Writing is hardly ever for yourself. It brings people joy and sorrow, and that’s the beauty of it. The problem is people hide their writing and passions because they are afraid to be rejected. But this is a selfish act. If you have a talent, if you have a love for something, you are hurting the world by keeping it from people.

So, I’m a nerd. I love fairies and fantasy. I love Doctor Who. I will never lose the nerd in me. And neither will you. Being an adult doesn’t mean you need to be maturity in a pencil skirt. You can always let your nerd out to play once in awhile, while still being the responsible adult that you are today. Actually, that will be the only thing that will keep you sane.

I mean, if you want to be sane in the first place. I find that people react surprisingly well to insanity.

At any rate, Nerd On.

For added fun, see where the term “nerd” comes from!