Tag: life

(F)e-mail

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Everyone knows that there’s a double standard in the workplace between men and women. And if you don’t know, you A) have never worked with the opposite sex or B) truly don’t know there’s a double standard, so you shouldn’t be reading this blog. You should be reading every feminist text you can find.

But let’s just say that we’re all on the same page, and we’ve all noticed that men and women are treated (and paid) differently at work.

Where are the differences most evident? In promotions? In conversations at the water cooler? In the lunch room?

No, it’s in our e-mails.

When I first started working, I wrote e-mails that had sentences with question marks implied at every turn.

They looked like this:

Hello?

Um, excuse me? Do you mind doing the thing that you said you were going to do four weeks ago? I know you must be busy, but I’m sorry, do you think you could get it to me? When possible? Thank you? I really appreciate your work? Thanks for not yelling at me?

And yes, maybe that’s just because I am a very timid and shy person to begin with. But I’m also a woman. And I feel the same at work that I do in daily life: like I’m not meant to be there and I’m taking up space. My e-mails reflect that.

And this is a sentiment embedded in women since the day that we are born. Chimamanda Adichie points out in her book, Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions, that little girls are constantly pulled back by their mothers, asked to “play nice” and “sit still,” whereas little boys are given free rein of the playroom. (And what is an office but an adult playroom? Where we are all free to interact with our surroundings and work on what we are best at?)

So, what do my e-mails look like now? They’re still nice. I understand that it’s not fair to take out my frustrations on an unsuspecting stranger. And as sad as it is to say, people do respond more nicely when you are nice to them in the first place.

But I beat around the bush a lot less. I ask. And in very rare and desperate times, I even plead. I do not demand. I’m not as confident in myself yet. But maybe someday, I’ll conquer my inbox in the same way that the vikings took new land: completely.

Boy Pets Dog

Bailey GunnLeave a comment

I had a terrible day today. There was really nothing good about it, and I don’t really want to bring y’all down by talking about it…

But there was one thing.

The one thing that was good about my day was that I was so angry that I took a long walk to cool off…

(That wasn’t the good part.)

And as I was walking, the cool breeze lifted my hair while the sun simultaneously warmed me…

(Not yet.)

And I was walking by some really quaint and beautiful houses…

(Almost there.)

And a woman was walking into her yard while a young boy played in the yard next to her. She was walking a black lab. The young boy saw her and ran over. He greeted her and very gently pet her dog who loved the attention. He then thanked the woman and ran back into his yard. And I can only predict that this is a ritual he conducts every day, and that the woman loves it, and the dog loves it.

And now I love it. Because it was the purest and best thing about my day. Because the boy was happy, and the dog was happy, and the woman was happy.

Which just goes to show you that there’s always something good to hold onto. Even if it has absolutely nothing to do with you. And you only experienced it because you were angry in the first place.

My only hope for you is that you are always on the lookout for your “boy pets dog” moment every day.

An Extra Helping

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I think we’d all like to believe that we would help someone else in their time of need. We’d all be very gracious and open our arms (or most likely our wallets) to help a fellow man or woman that has run amok of some bad luck. 

And while I’m no different from that description, I am still of a different breed. 

You see, I describe myself as a little too helpful. I not only help a fellow person in need, but also when they probably don’t need any help at all. (Or shouldn’t get it). I’d honestly probably help a robber in a bank if he asked me nicely enough to hold the door open for him. I’m that bad sometimes. Your wish is my command and all that. 

The problem is, though, you shouldn’t give everyone what they want because they want it. You don’t give a person who is allergic to peanuts just one Reese’s cup, no matter how hard they beg. Because in the end, they just hurt themselves and at best, blame you for it. 

And the other problem is that if you help everyone, you have an awful lot to do. Sometimes, it’s better to help someone to help themselves so they can keep helping themselves long after you’ve left. 

The point is that while you may think you’re being the world’s nicest person by agreeing to do whatever someone says, you’re not always doing them a favor. In fact, you may be complicating rather than simplifying their lives. 

Ask yourself what the best outcome of a situation would be before doing anything. And if you need some time to think about it, then go ahead and do just that. 

And once you get used to not being as helpful, can you come round and teach me? That would be very helpful of you. 

Follow(er)

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Okay, I have a confession to make. 

I’m a follower. 

Yup, you read that right. I’m a lemming. Maybe not with fashion or with personal tastes, but for everything else, I’m a follower. I just don’t really like to lead, especially in a bossy way. I can quietly lead by example. But even then, I’d really prefer it if someone just told me what to do. 

And I know. That’s bad. It makes me ripe for the revolution. It makes me seem like I’ll do anything anyone tells me to do. (Which is sort of true for me, but not always true for everyone else.) 

But is being a follower really a bad thing? Don’t we need to follow in someone else’s footsteps before we know how something is done or how someone feels? Isn’t it smarter to watch something being done before jumping in and doing it yourself? What’s wrong with following along for awhile, until you feel confident enough to lead on your own?

Listen, I get it. The world doesn’t want followers. (Think different. Right?) But we can’t all be leaders either. We’d just have a lot of people walking around and yelling in circles. Sometimes, we just need another population for those people to lead. But that’s not to say we follow them blindly. It’s just that we’re there and ready for someone else to come up with a bright idea. 

And who knows? Maybe, through following and carefully watching others, maybe that will be us someday. But for right now? You can lead the way. 

Priorities 

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There is nothing more important than having your priorities straight. This helps you to make important decisions, take action, and generally live your life. 

But what happens when your priorities clash with each other? What if I want to be productive and sleep? What if I want a high paying job and time for a hobby? What if I want to eat and swim right after? 

Well, that’s certainly more complicated. But it can be done. If you have your priorities straight. 

Listen, you’re going to have to pick and choose initially. Once you have a routine down with one, you can shoot for the other. For example, you can be productive until you have a routine. Then, when you feel ready, try to challenge yourself to be productive some days and to sleep other days. But you’re going to have to prioritize one over the other at first. 

There’s no such thing as multitasking and there’s no such thing as multiprioritizing. You have to pick something for it to be number one, and then you can allow everything else to fall into line. 

But get everything straight. If you want to be skinny, eating cookies is no longer your priority. If you want good grades, watching tv instead of studying is no longer your priority. If you want to be happier, then choosing anything that doesn’t make you so is no longer your priority. 

So, figure out what you want and put it as #1. (Besides reading this blog. We both know that’s your main priority). 

Enough

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I usually get on my soap box on Thursday’s. 

And I’m happy to say today is no different. 

I just wanted to tell you that you are enough, in whatever you want to be enough in. You’re just that amount of extra. 

You’re kind enough, smart enough, pretty enough, brave enough to do what you want to do. 

But you’re also hard on yourself enough, alone enough, unhealthy enough to do something about it all. You don’t have to hit rock bottom in order to get to the top, your life is not a slingshot. You don’t have to be pulled back so hard, have so much tension, that you’re barely able to move before you get launched into a new phase of your life. 

You can ease into it. One toe at a time into the deep end of the swimming pool. And actually, you owe it to yourself to do that. Start making small changes. Because then you can get used to the water temperature. And you can get used to your new life. And you can discover yourself again. 

You already have what it takes to change your life for the better. The only thing you need is to accept it. That your new life will be enough. 

Adaptive

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Humans are pretty resilient.

 I mean, no matter what your mom says, she most likely hit you on the head when you were younger. (It was probably an accident.) And you’re totally not a serial killer now, right? (Right?!)

Right. You turned out just fine. Which made you better because what doesn’t kill you (or makes you a killer) makes you stronger. And that’s great for the bad things. 

But what about the good? People say be careful what you wish for, but I say be careful what you adapt to. Because the old routine that doesn’t seem to change much and that feels comfortable could be the one thing in your life that is really damaging. It makes you stay inside instead of going out with friends because your show is on. It makes you never try anything new at an old restaurant. And believe me, I understand. I would rather be in my pajamas too. But sometimes, it’s not good for us to have the same old, same old. Sometimes, the same routine that you’ve adapted to has bad habits, which is a double whammy. 

You adapted to the routine you have now. I’m sure that in some point in your life you moved, or broke up with a partner, or started a new job, or tried a new ice cream flavor. You pushed your boundaries then and adapted. Push them again and see what happens. 

It’s great that we’re able to adapt. But it’s a very old instinct that needs to take a backseat to you having new and different experiences every once in awhile. You need to unadapt. Your couch will still be there when you get back. 

Passionless

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Remember when you were a kid and your parents signed you up for every activity possible so you could figure out what you were into and what you weren’t? 

“Okay, so tuba lessons on Monday, ballet is Tuesday, karate on Wednesday, soccer seasons starts on Thursday, and Friday is for spelling bee practice. Let’s do this!” 

And it’s definitely still happening to kids today (although I think these activities feel a little more mandatory to this generation. Like, they’re already thinking about their resumes and what extracurriculars would look good.)

But I’m not here to weigh in on that. I don’t care about pageant moms, tiger moms, or dads for that matter. (At least not in this blogpost).  

My question is why do we as kids do all this awesome stuff but then never have an outlet to do it again as adults? Why is it so hard to find an adult dance class (that doesn’t involve a pole) or an adult soccer team (that isn’t filled with David Beckham superstars) or painting classes (that don’t involve getting drunk first)? 

Why do we have to do the “adult” versions of things we did as kids? Why did we spend all of our time developing passions that we can’t do because of our 9-5 jobs? 

Now, if you’re a professional athlete because your parents made you work from when you could walk until now, then that’s great. 

But for everyone else who played a sport when they were younger and are now trying to get the same satisfaction running around the track at a gym – what happens to them? 

I say we build our passions again. We find a recreational soccer team. We sign up for instrument lessons. We take back our Tuesday night from vegging and drinking wine on the couch. We find what we loved. 

Why? Because we loved these things when we were younger and they made us who we are today. Why should that change just because we’re older? If anything, we need our passions more than ever. 

Self-Helping

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Whether you’re having trouble finding happiness in your life or you just want to be a better employee, it’s easy to pick up a book, or listen to a podcast, or read a blog (wink, wink) that is supposed to *change your life*. And the best thing? You can do it yourself! You can start changing your thinking right now! You can have a better life!
So, what do I say about that?

First: Congratulations! You’re seeking help for a problem you have! That’s great! 

Next: proceed with caution. 

Why? 

Because I’d like to remind you that there is no panacea. There is no cure-all. And while it’s great to learn more about yourself and work to improve your flaws, it is not a switch to flip. 

Basically, you can’t watch 10 TED talks and become a better person. You can have a new perspective after you watch them. You can work on it. You can learn something new. But you can’t be a perfect person because you’ve read a book on how to be one. And I think it’s time you recognized how 1) awesome you are already and 2) how great it is that you’re even trying to improve your outlook on life. Way to not be stagnant! 

I think there really should be a disclaimer on all self-help books that warns people. And then, reminds them that theyre human. So, for best results, be realistic about your growth. 

In the end, by all means, give yourself some self-help. But remember to practice self-love, too. 

Humble Brag

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It happens to all of us. 

We’re talking to someone about something, and we’re having a really good conversation. And then all of a sudden, they feel it’s really important that you know that they climbed to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro or that they met Britney Spears in a nightclub and she complimented them on their outfit, but no wait, this totally ties into the story you were telling me about how your lunch got misplaced in the community refrigerator. 

And for some reason, they always start that humble brag comment with what they’re not doing: not to brag or not to come off this way or that. But no matter how they preface it, they sort of end up sounding like a righteous jerk anyway. 

And if you’re anything like me, this even applies to even the smallest accomplishment or the tiniest brandishing of the ego. Any positive self talk at all seems to grate against my sensibilities. 

Even if someone is like I really had a great weekend and I got a lot of things done, I am somehow personally offended. Who do they think they are that they can be positive about themselves when I’m over here wallowing in self doubt like a pig in mud? 

But even though some people are really bragging to your face, this doesn’t mean that a little show of self confidence is necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can really be the difference between getting ahead in life. When people see you believe in yourself, they believe you too. Their confidence in themselves does not take anything away from you. 

Now do you need to tell everyone you hiked Everest? No, because their opinion of your worth doesn’t really matter. But if you feel like you did something well, and someone asks you to elaborate on it, don’t be afraid to tell them. Humble brag or regular brags aside, you should be proud of your contribution to the world.